Este es "El Show de Mencia"
What is this?
Stop! Stop! Stop!
What? Am I "The Resident Beaner" now?
I'm supposed to sit around and tell jokes
about burritos and tacos?
Don't forget piñatas!
Are you kidding me?
No! This is not me!
This is me!
Thank you.
We got a show! We got a show!
Hey. I'm Carlos Mencia and welcome to the "Mind of Mencia".
By the way... Oh, thank you.
Yes.
The Beaner got a show!
I want you guys to know that the fence aroud here
is not just for decoration.
This is the actual fence that my mom and dad jumped when they came to this country.
"Is he already making fun of people?"
I make fun of everybody.
I got Muslims pissed-off.
"Why are the American people messing with me?"
Because, Ahmed, it's your turn!
America's a giant game of "Tag", somebody's always "it".
And, guess what, Ahmed: you're "it"!
Here's what happened: a lot of people don't understand.
September 11th: bad day in American history, great day for Blacks and Hispanics.
Greatest day of our generation.
'Cause on that day white people accepted us as Americans.
Before that we weren't Americans.
Then on the 11th the buildings collapse,
they show the pictures of the hijackers.
When they show those pictures Maria, Laquisha, Carlos and Tyrone
walked up to Ahmed and went: "Tag!"
"Your turn!"
"You are over there just to steal our oil!"
Come on!
That's the problem with people: you don't understand Americans.
Americans are not small. We think big.
Not ********take a little.
Listen, listen, Ahmed. Look at me. I know you're watching right now. Look at me.
Put the "huluh" down. Look at me.
Oil is about that much money in comparison to how much we're gonna fuck you out of
when we'll open up Wallmart.
"You're not going to bring Wallmart here!"
We'll bring in all our corporations, Ahmed, and in two months
you will be wearing a turban with a Nike swoosh.
He will.
Oh, no, no, this is just real.
This is just real.
Hey, listen: I know you guys are clapping, but I'm telling you:
Do you know that they just opened up a McDonald's?
That they just opened up a Subway Sandwich Shop in Irak?
I kid you not. A Subway Sandwich Shop!
I don't know what those commercials are gonna be
'cause I don't think Jared is gonna go over there.
They'll have Jihad or something: "Jihad: Alalalala!"
"Subway sandwiches: they are the BOOOMB!"
"They will blow you away!"
You know what's gotta be cool? Just to see commercials.
You know what I mean? 'Cause they're gonna be like ours, but different.
That's gotta be hilarious.
It's gotta be a guy that's gonna run in an overcrowded room.
Then he's gonna go: "Allah*****!"
He's gonna pull a cord, but nothing happens.
Then he's gonna go: "Allah****!"
He'll pull another cord, and nothing happens.
Then you're gonna hear: "Wanna Get Away?" (airline slogan)
Oh, stop, stop!
What? I don't care. I make fun of anybody.
It's America. That's what people don't understand.
You want me to tell you what does piss me off?
Getting checked at the airport.
That's what annoys me.
Why am I getting checked at the airport?
Why are white people getting checked at the airport?
'Cause America doesn't have the balls
to treat Ahmed the way we treated every other minority?
Now we gotta pretend? That's bullshit!
Let ME be the TSA agent.
Please! Let me be the guy at the airport!
I wanna be the guy that says: listen, the rules have changed:
anybody that's not a Muslim,
doesn't go "alala" and doesn't have a "hhh" in the middle of their name
go directly to your plane. Just go to your planes.
And then I'll put the pictures of the hijackers.
So, when Ahmed goes: "Why are you only checking people that look like me?"
Good question. Look at the pictures!
You look like Number 3 and Number 10. Check him twice!
Because America is like a fraternity.
In order to join our country you must get hazed.
And, guess what, Ahmed, it's Greek Week.
There's a lot of Beaners in here. You didn't go to college, so you didn't get that joke.
"What's that a Greek Week?" Whatever.
Everybody went through it. That's what I don't understand.
I'm not afraid of people calling me a racist.
Go ahead and call me a racist. Go ahead and do it.
"Hey, that's not fair you're only checking me."
"Why don't you check the women?"
Well, because women in this country, Ahmed,
were treated like crap for about 150 years
when they couldn't vote.
So, unless you wanna NOT vote for that long
and, possibly, give me head
I suggest you: get your ass over there!
What?
Right?
"Why don't you check the black people?"
And how many gold medals have you won for us lately?
See? Shaniqua: "************"
She does!
"Then why don't you check the white people?"
Because they gave me the job!
"Then why don't you check the Hispanics? Is it because you're Hispanic?"
No, it's because Hispanics don't blow shit up.
They clean it up and build it up after you blow it up!
What?
And, by the way, even if a Wetback did hijack a plane,
where is he going? He's already here!
What? Is he gonna hijack a plane at LAX:
"We're going to Burbank!"
"That's not even that far." "But I don't have a car!"
"Take it easy. Relax. Relax."
A lot of you, people, are gonna be offended by something I say tonight.
If we didn't get to you yet, don't worry:
there's a lot more show left. We'll be right back.
Welcome back to "Mind of Mencia".
I am Carlos Mencia, for those of you who don't know me.
I'm the 17th of 18 kids, okay?
My mom was basically a uterus with a head.
I was the 17th born. My mom had 16 kids
before I did, with no C-sections, no multiple births.
I'm not saying she was "loose" or anything.
But, by the time I got there,
it was a slipping slide.
She didn't even know I was born.
I was hanging from the cord like a piñata.
And my brothers were like: "How come the candies don't come out?"
I can't tell you how I survived, but I'm here.
And I got fans and they're the best in the world.
And you, guys, send me... Oh, thank you, thank you guys.
And the cool thing is you, guys, let me know it.
You send me mail all the time.
And I just have two words, man:
spell-check.
Look, I honestly think
that a great way for you guys out there to get to know me
is by hearing one of these letters. So, I asked a really good friend of mine, Peter,
to see if he can read one of my favorites.
"Dear Carlos,
I have seen you perform 27 times,
more than any other comedian.
I brought my wife, my brother and even my parents.
And I honestly have to say:
your act sucks!
I, too, am a Latino
and find your stereotyping of our race disgusting,
as I told my pregnant wife and 8 kids.
I'm as liberal and open minded as the next guy,
but I just can't tolerate you, California Queers!
The one thing that lets me sleep in night is knowing you'll never end up on television
- maybe basic cable.
Carlos Mencia, you're a racist spic!
Go fuck yourself!
Sincerely, Michael Hernandez.
Peter Boyle!
Thank you.
You never saw that on "Rain Man".
All right.
All across the country you, guys, have road signs that look like this:
I live in southern California and near the border we have a very unique road sign.
What the hell is this?
Nobody seems to know exactly what it means.
So I went on a mission for you to find out.
What does the sign mean to you?
It was so fast I didn't see it.
Have you ever seen this sign, bro?
No, this is the first time I ever had the opportunity to lay an eye on this sign.
What is this sign supposed to actually mean?
"There's people running across the road."
Maybe it's telling them: "Run across the freeway, but just do it really fast."
What kind of people do you think they are?
I'm not gonna say!
Well, they have no afro-s, so they're not black.
Mr. Hogarth, are you familiar with the sign "W54 Special Pedestrian Crossing"?
Yes, I am. I think is probably one of the better signs that we do have in our collection.
What are these silhouettes intended to depict?
Just a family unit.
Pretty much; basically anyone that may reside in California.
What kind of family are they meant to depict?
Just a small family; they're maybe on their way to the beach.
What do you think this sign means?
"Watch out for people crossing the border?!"
-What makes you think they're immigrants? -Because it's the daddy...
The family takes the kids and they run.
Who is this sign intended to warn?
Anyone is at risk when they're trying to cross the freeway,
regardless of national origin, or ethnicity... - But who's getting hit?
When was the last time you heard a guy from Denmark getting hit on a San Diego freeway?
I don't have that information. I don't think it's ever been presented to me in any official form.
What if we actually made it look more authentic Mexican?
If you look at the sign, the mom's holding the kid.
He's like jamming.
Yeah, he's not even caring about the mom or the kid.
The guy is running from them.
Child support issues maybe?
If he can get away with it, you know, why not?
Later on he's just by himself.
- ¿Maneja? - No.
- Ah, entonces no maneja, no lo ha visto.
- No. - Gracias.
The sign doesn't work.
He didn't even see it when he crossed.
He's a Wetback. Probably got hit by a car himself.
- It's obviously for immigrants. - No.
And you know, it would be wrong for us to attempt
to identify any specific group. - So how many white people have been hit
on those freeways that they are actually a statistic that we would say:
we wanna save white people through it.
So you think that's a baby?
Could it be something different?
Could it be a midget? Look at that.
Hey, grab his hand. We're doing the thing.
Like right here.
No, she ain't holding on, dude. You're running away from her, dog.
Seriously. You know what? Turn off the camera. Seriously.
This is just between you and me. Who's the sign for?
- Who is the sign for? - Who's the sign for?
Wetbacks.
Now you know who it's for.
It's for Wetbacks!
Run, mojado, run!
We'll be right back.
You, in the cave, come out with your hands up!
Not going anywhere for a while?
Why wait? Have a Snickers.
The favorite last meal of terrorists
everywhere.
*******
How do you build the world's largest wireless network
*******
by occupying one country at the time,
*******
until no matter where you are
you can't occupy it without us?
Listen. My wife reads these celebrity magazines all the time. And I swear
she could pretty much spend the rest of her life on top of a toilet
and not have the time to read all this stuff.
So, I'm gonna do for you what I do for her:
I'm gonna condens all of it into 3 minutes, OK?
We call this "The Celebrity Ticker", all right?
Start the clock. Let's go!
Aaa! Poly wants a crack pipe!
Oh, she's been with a black guy, a white guy, a Cuban and a Portorican,
so, if she's gonna break up with him, Asians are gonna be like:
"Oooh, we're next!"
Next!
Wink if you haven't eaten in 3 months!
Next!
Oh, he's been complaining, Stevie Wonder has,
about violence in videos.
He can't see the freakin' video!
Next!
That's just an oxymoron!
That's kinda like when ugly chicks wear shirts that say: "Cutie".
Next!
Oh, she said that she wants to stay a virgin
until she gets married.
Hey, not gonna be a problem there.
What?
Next!
"How many times do I have to tell you:"
"I am not hiding any weapons of mass destruction!"
Next!
All right, not a big surprise. Come on,
I've seen her many times in all forms with meat in her mouth.
Next!
You still suck!
Next!
Raise your hand if you wanna bowl on Carlos Mencia.
Next!
"E.T., phone home!"
Next!
How much time do I have left?
All right. Michael Jackson - I am so glad that he got off
so now that we can put in jail the people that really deserve to be there:
parents that actually take their kids to his house.
Even if you don't believe this man is a pedophile, he fits the profile:
he lives in Neverland, he calls himself Peter Pan,
his entire estate is built to atract children to it.
You do not take your kids to Michael Jackson's house.
I don't even take my kids to church!
No! No! Oh, no! It is not over!
Look, I think Michael Jackson bangs little kids.
Have you seen him dance? Watch him dance:
he staps his fingers and he gets their attention;
then he calls'em over.
Then, when they're getting close he starts getting happy.
Then, when their heads are right there - Bam! Bam!
And then: "Aooooo!"
Now I'm done. We'll be right back.
Welcome back to "Mind of Mencia"
This is actually my favorite part of the show.
I watch so much television
and I so often find myself thinking:
"Why the fuck is this news?"
How slow of a news day does it really need to be
in order for this to end up on television?
"Big searches on this afternoon in the North Shore."
-"Three big birds escaped..." - Nobody can see back there a dumbass?
"Anna, this is about emus?"
"- Emus. Exactely...." Woo, big birds!
"...they tell me by a professional emu wrangler..." There's a "professional"!
No one knows where it is. They're taping it, somebody knows where it is!
"...because these birds run really fast..." Yeah, look how fast it's running.
Oooh, it's running fast!
"...the Animal Control, *** police, Glencoe police, Protecting Guard and..."
Stop! Stop! Did you hear how many people are chasing a bird?
It's a bird! It can fly!
Why don't you tell the black people that there's a giant chicken on the loose
and 2 minutes later we'll have a bucket of big-ass wings? Come on! Come on!
No!
That's on the News? Come on!
This is what should've been on the News, and you didn't see it
but we'll show it to you here, on "Mind of Mencia":
Look at that! Ooo! Ooo!
Dude!
We voted this guy, and not once, but twice!
That's our President!
And that's our show.
Thank you for watching.
Thank you guys for being here. Thank you so much.
Let's thank Peter Boyle.
We'll see you next week with a brand new show.
Peace!
Hey, play the credits on for me, please.
This was the Show of Mencia
These are the credits of Mencia